Quote of the Week… “The good news is that even though our memory is starting to go, we can still retain some things…..like water.”
David Martin wrote a great satire on websites. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did . . .
Websites You Can Really Use
As the Internet continues to grow, more and more websites are created to provide those special, individualized services people want and need. Services like personal banking, home security and tracking down old high school classmates.
But try as they might, web-based entrepreneurs haven’t achieved much financial success. Maybe that’s because, apart from gambling and port sites, they haven’t tapped into the services people are willing to pay real money for. Services like:
Sure, it’s great to track down your old high school classmates. But are you going to pay real money to locate Bob or Betty just to have them lie to you about their wonderful lives? Of course not. But if you could find out the real dirt on these folks, that would be worth paying for.
With Classmates-Schadenfreude.com, you get the straight goods. We’ve got a team of private investigators digging the dirt on anyone you’d like. Check out Bob’s drinking problem and credit difficulties. Survey Betty’s plastic surgery and checkered sexual history. For one low monthly fee, you’ll get to revel in the knowledge that your old schoolmates are just as miserable as you are.
You’ve seen the web ads for those tiny home security cameras. Not really a priority, are they? But what if you could have on-line video access to all the rooms in your nosy neighbor’s house? Now that’s something you’d cough up cash for.
Imagine. Next time Fred next door rags about his reading habits or sexual prowess, you’ll be able to counter with “I didn’t know there were articles in Bondage Babes Monthly” or “Does begging for sex qualify you as a stud?”
You like surfing the Net and playing computer games at work as much as the next guy. But that’s not always possible if your boss is constantly poking his head in your cubicle to check up on you. With Boss-Tracker.com, that’s yesterday’s problem.
We secretly implant a microscopic wireless tracking device on your supervisor. Via cutting edge GPS satellite technology, we’re able to keep you posted on his whereabouts at all times.
At $59.95 a month, this is a service that pays for itself in just one week of added fun and decreased stress. And if you’re a frequent at-work napper, for an extra $19.95 a month, we’ll install the Auto Work option which automatically switches your computer to pre-set work documents or spreadsheets whenever your boss is located within ten feet of your workstation.
There are lots of tax preparation software packages out there. But is that what you really need? We go one giant step beyond tax preparation and provide you with a tax reduction service.
Thanks to our high-tech staff of teenaged hackers, we’re able to monitor your file at the Tax Department 24/7. Any time your file comes up for a randomly generated audit, we can bypass the system and avoid you having to search for receipts and supporting documentation that you probably never had.
With TaxBeGone.com, don’t worry about filing an accurate tax return. File whatever you want and let us do the rest. Our annual fee is only $99.95 plus 20 percent of any tax refund you receive.
You’d like to harass your enemies. But who’s got the time or legal immunity? Don’t worry. Leave it to the folks at LibelSlam.com.
For a low monthly fee of $39.95, we’ll sprinkle slanderous and libelous statements about your worst enemy on thousands of web sites and chat rooms. And for an extra monthly charge of $19.95, we’ll generate anonymous harassing phone calls, texts and e-mails and order everything from pizzas to kiddie porn for your favorite foe.
The following was sent to us by one of our readers. Everyone should read it . . .
Warning: Road Construction Ahead
Life may be an adventure, but along the road there are plenty of potholes, detours, and dead-ends that get in the way of what we view as progress. Some of them are inconvenient. Some are uncomfortable. Some are totally heartbreaking. And the older we get, the less quickly we seem to bounce back to that point where we feel life is back to “normal”.
Maybe that’s just another part of growing up as we grow older: realizing that “normal” is a moving target. Today will never be exactly the same as tomorrow, or yesterday. Change happens. And sometimes it happens in the blink of an eye. So, when life bounces us right out of our momentary “normal” onto an unfamiliar road, it’s time to stop looking in the rear-view mirror. We can’t change the past and we have no control over the future. The only moment we can do anything about is right now.
So, what will we do? Moan, groan, and drag our feet every step of the way? Dig in our heels and refuse to move forward at all? Or, will we take a deep breath, gather up what we know about God and ourselves, and then move forward with hopeful anticipation, instead of trepidation? The way we choose to proceed will make all the difference in whether we look forward to the future or spend the rest of our lives longing for the “good old days.”
When life turns upside-down, stop and remember when topsy-turvy times have brought unexpected blessings. That dreaded cross country move that led you to cross paths with your best friend for life . . . The restaurant that was closed that forced you to try somewhere new, which turned out to be one of your most memorable meals ever . . . That chance meeting that introduced you to your future spouse . . . The job that you lost that led to the job that you loved . . .
We cannot see the end of the road from where we stand right now. And that’s a blessing. If we knew in advance how hard some things in our future would be, we might choose to bypass them by going another way—and we’d miss out on some amazing adventures we couldn’t experience any other way. Just imagine if our fear of going through labor prevented us from ever having children. We’d miss out on one of the greatest joys of life.
We may view middle age itself as a pothole, detour, or dead-end. We may feel that this whole aging thing is robbing us of the joy we experienced when we were younger, fitter, faster on our feet and in our mind. But joy, just like “normal,” isn’t something static. It ebbs and flows like the sea, uncovering new treasures with the power of each brand-new wave. There are places we’ve never been, friends we’ve not yet met, sights we’ve never seen, and insights we haven’t yet experienced enough to understand, all waiting for us down the road. It may be a bumpy ride at times, but life is a journey that can only be appreciated when we finally come to the end of the road. Today, we’ve still got a ways to travel.
And speaking of age, here is my favorite story of the week . . .
To celebrate her 40th birthday, Lynette decided to buy a convertible sports car, along with a vanity license plate that read “18 Again.” Lynette was pretty proud of her new ride and parked it directly in front of the dry cleaners where she was picking up her laundry, totally oblivious to the fact that she’d parked in a Deliveries Only spot. Not more than a minute later, a delivery truck driver walked into the dry cleaners and said, “Who owns the car with the plate, ‘I ate again’?”